Love and marriage in Islam

One of the first things to attract me to the religion of Islam was the clear instructions and guidelines we are given on how we should live our lives, in order to attain the bounties which are promised to us by Allah in the paradise. The guidelines set down for marriage and family life were in particular attractive as an alternative to the terrible situation in the west, where there are high rates of divorce, solo parenting, and children involved with alcohol, drugs, and teenage sex.

One of the problems in the western way of thinking is that the ever-increasing liberal lobby group of society dictates that children have an increasingly greater set of "rights", even over their own parents. This has led to the absurd situation where children have the "right" to stay out late at night and go to drinking and dancing parties, even when they are as young as 11 or 12 (or younger), as happens in New Zealand. Parents apparently have no say in the matter, for it would be a "breach" of the child's so-called rights, if parents did not allow them to do what they do. Parents are taking less and less responsibility for their children, and also spending less time with them, as the number of working mothers increases.

Let us go back to before these parents even had children - back to the early days when their relationships first developed. As a teenager (before I came to Islam), I made many observations concerning relationships in western society, and came to associate many of these characteristics with the increasing divorce rate, and the problems we have with many of the youth today.

The western philosophy goes a lot like this:

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy dates girl. Girl likes boy. Girl continues to date boy and they are "steady".

What happens next can be quite varied, and the following are just a few examples of the many permutations possible:

1. Girl gets drunk one night. Boy and girl have sex. Girl becomes pregnant. Boy leaves girl. Girl aborts baby. (Or Girl has the baby and becomes a solo mother).

2. Boy moves in with girl in a de facto relationship. Boy and girl "try each other on for size" for a few months or years. Boy and girl MAY get married, or just continue in de facto relationship, with or without sex and/or children.

3. Boy and girl date for months or years until such a point where they decide that they are "right for each other" and get married. If they decide that they are not meant for each other, they break off the relationship and start again from square one.

Now situations 1 and 2 are far from ideal for obvious reasons as anyone would agree. But situation 3 seems to be "ideal", especially for someone from a western background. So what do I see wrong with situation 3?

What I see wrong with the latter situation is that finding that "ideal" woman or man, is often impossible. There is NO perfect man or woman out there. Everyone is human with their own faults. If you take on the western philosophy about love and marriage, I believe what happens is that there is less tolerance in the relationship, because every small or large thing which causes tension in a relationship might possibly end the relationship, if one person decides to leave the other because of it.

It's the whole "well I can find someone better than you" thing. Even small things might not be well tolerated, because of the philosophy that "there are plenty of fish in the sea - I don't have to tolerate that from you, I can just leave".

I personally believe this is the reason that a lot of marriages fail - because of poor communication and poor tolerance of the partner. There are ALWAYS going to be small things that annoy you about your partner. I believe that TRUE LOVE, is about tolerating those small things in marriage, and loving your partner for the person he or she is.

So what attracted me to Islam's philosophy on marriage and family life? Early on, I learned that "marriage is half of the religion", or so it is said. My reaction was "Wow! What makes marriage so important that it makes up half of the religion?". After much thought, it made perfect sense to me that so much emphasis should be put on marriage. After all, your husband or wife is the person that you will ultimately spend a great deal of time with in your life. He or she is the one who will know the most about you, your habits, your good side, your bad side. He or she is the one who best knows what you have yet to improve in yourself as a Muslim.

For example, he or she is the best one to push you into keeping up the compulsory solat by praying on time. He or she is the best one to push you both to learn more about Islam and work together for the sake of Allah. He or she is the best one to work with you in partnership to lead a life in which you both strive for the sake of Allah, and seek His rewards and happiness, such that you both may life eternally together in the paradise.

Marriage is a holy bond, and it is very important to seek the right wife or husband. Both sides should be very committed to using the marriage to strengthen their iman (faith). If both sides have this philosophy (that marriage is only for the sake of Allah, and that getting married is only to help both parties serve Allah better), then it should not be necessary to date or have many meetings before deciding to marry.

In the west, love is said to come before marriage. To me, this "love" is closer to lust, especially given the widespread emphasis placed on sex in the west. I believe that true love is something which DEVELOPS (ie. doesn't just happen) after marriage. True love is learning to love your partner for the person he or she is, true love is learning to live with your partner for the rest of your lives, true love is learning how to cope with those problems that are sure to develop, and true love is loving your partner for the sake of Allah, and helping each other to become better Muslims.

People in the west always frown upon arranged marriages which still happens in Asia. I've spoken to many couples who had kinds of arranged marriages, who both remain very happy and loyal to their partners. My belief is that if the couple both share the same philosophy that marriage is for the sake of Allah, any couple can learn to live with each other, and develop the love between them. Through doing this, tolerance is automatically instilled into the relationship, and the discontent that leads to many divorces in the west is, I believe, less common.

So to me, as a Muslim, I don't need to look for that "perfect" woman. It might not (and probably will not) happen. I just need to find a Muslim woman who shares my philosophy about marriage, and wants to enter marriage with the (correct) intention that marriage is for the sake of Allah, and building a better life as a Muslim, in order to please Allah.

Let's say for argument's sake that there are 100 such women on this world. To me, I don't have to go and meet each of these 100 woman on my shortlist, in order to find the best among them. When I am ready for marriage, and when I am sure that the woman in front of me is truly having the same philosophy as me, then I should marry her.

"Young men, those of you can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at women and preserves your chastity" - Related by Imam al-Bukhari.

The above is a hadeeth - one of the sayings of our prophet Mohammad (may peace be upon him). As a Muslim, we should follow the guidelines given to us in the Qur'an, and by the prophet. It emphasises again the importance placed on marriage by Islam. Islam does not try to suppress sexual desire (it frankly and open states that this is natural), but instead seeks to channel these desires into favourable situations (ie. marriage vs. "unwanted pregnancy").

At the end of the day, you are free to believe what you wish, and are free to disagree with anything I have said above. I strongly believe that evidence from Islam supports my theory that true love is not a feeling of happiness that happens before a couple are married. True everlasting love is something which develops through tolerance of your partner, and through working with your partner to become better Muslims throughout your life together. Remember that Allah says that two people who loved each other in the dunia (this life) for the sake of Allah will be two people that will be together in the hereafter. None more true that for the married couple that love each other for the sake of Allah and dedicate their lives to serving Him better... Ameen.